{"id":21797,"date":"2012-03-29T01:00:41","date_gmt":"2012-03-29T01:00:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dev.mainelyseo.com\/cdi-upgrade\/?p=21797"},"modified":"2019-07-23T16:58:34","modified_gmt":"2019-07-23T23:58:34","slug":"making-boys-better-men","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/childdevelopmentinfo.com\/parenting\/making-boys-better-men\/","title":{"rendered":"Making Boys Better Men"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Making <\/picture><\/p>\n

If men are simple and easily understood, then boys, who are arguably younger and smaller, should be even simpler and easier to understand.\u00a0 However, numerous findings indicate that boys are having trouble<\/a> and that this trouble has resulted in big societal changes.\u00a0 For example, girls are now graduating from college in greater numbers than boys, obtaining higher starting salaries in many different occupations, and outperforming boys in more roles that were traditionally defined as masculine.\u00a0 What is happening to our boys?\u00a0 If boys will be boys, when will they be men?\u00a0 How do we ensure that the development of men occurs in the most effective way that promotes their growth and well-being, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually?<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s back up to the 1970\u2019s for a minute.\u00a0 S. L. Bem (1974) began writing about what was termed \u201cpsychological androgyny,\u201d which essentially promoted the notion that the amount of satisfaction in a marriage or relationship increased when the partners had more characteristics of both sexes.\u00a0 Briefly, one conclusion of this line of thinking is that men\u00a0 who reported having more traits that were traditionally feminine made better husbands or boyfriends than did their \u201ctotally macho\u201d counterparts.\u00a0 Later researchers indicated that this perceived positive contribution of androgyny in a relationship might be achieved at the expense of the male\u2019s identity<\/a> or sense of masculine self in other areas of life. In fact, it was suggested that men who were not conforming to the biological, that is, innate and hard-wired, imperatives of traditional masculinity were undergoing stress and negative effects of not living up to the notion of what it means to be a man (Bohan, 1997).\u00a0 The\u00a0 Women\u2019s Liberation Movement and its tendency to promote women at the expense of the male ego was often noted in this research.\u00a0 Many thought that the growth and success of women came at the expense and decline of men, and thus was to blame for the emerging findings that boys are not doing as well as girls in educational and occupational settings.<\/p>\n

In 1989, Robert Bly published Iron John: A Book About Men<\/a><\/em>, (updated in 2004) a book that explains why men are hurting and what could be done about it. One of the book\u2019s strongest ideas is that, due to the women\u2019s movement, men are now allowing women to define masculinity, as opposed to learning masculinity from a man. Bly went even further back into history and concluded that the diminution of the male\u2019s importance began with the Industrial Revolution, and that the transition from a rural economy, in which the father was home, tending the farm, and visible to the wife and children all day, to an urban economy, in which the father left home in the morning before the children were awake and returned home later and later at night, even when the children were already in bed, made the father, in specific, and later the male, in general, less of an influence in the child\u2019s life. Eventually, the father\u2019s absence resulted in his being a target of the wife and children\u2019s anger. The father\u2019s time in his children\u2019s lives, especially as regards the father\u2019s teaching, was preempted by his working outside the home, which was, again, attributable to the aftermath of the Industrial Revolution.<\/p>\n

The working male evolved in the United States into the \u201c50\u2019s male,\u201d typified by John Wayne, in which the man was independent, unemotional, tough, and responsible, often at the expense of his emotions and his family. Men could not share their innermost secrets with their male friends, as they were too busy competing<\/a> with them, and their male friends might see them as weak or dependent. Men could not share their innermost secrets with their wives, as they were afraid their wives would then perceive them as weak or dependent, and no self-respecting woman would tolerate a weak or dependent\u00a0 man. Therefore, the males of the 50\u2019s mopped themselves into an emotional corner, so to speak, where the only confidantes with whom they felt comfortable sharing their true selves were their male bartender, who would listen in a non-judgmental way while they became alcoholics, or by finding a mistress, a woman other than their wife with whom they could share their true and unfiltered thoughts and feelings about their lives. Both of these solutions to their emotional difficulties eventually bred more problems.<\/p>\n

Robert Bly suggested that we look into other cultures, as well as still farther back into history, into ancient myths and legends, to help us rediscover how men have inculcated a sense of the masculine into boys over the years. He relates an ancient German myth, Iron Hans, dated 1250 B.C., in which a boy is mentored into adulthood by a caring man other than his father, and he proposes a similar kind of developmental scheme for the current generation. There were some excellent points about this work for my work with boys and men, and they bear discussing here. First, a boy is born into the world, and he is usually assigned to the care of the mother, who nurtures the boy, feeds him, and soothes his hurts and pains. As this occurs, the boy develops a bond with the mother, which enables him to grow up and trust women. At or around the age of ten, the boy learns to self-soothe, and he begins to separate from his<\/a> mother and prepare to go to the world of the father.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, when many boys are at the prime moment for this induction into the world of the father, the world of man, the father is not present. He is either working, the parents are divorced, or the father has never been around to take responsibility for the son\u2019s development. This results in what Bly has termed \u201cfather hunger.\u201d If the father is present in the boy\u2019s life, then the boy bonds with the father, learns the masculine way of being-in-the-world, and is prepared to trust and deal with older men and take his place with them when he grows up. When the boy enters high school, he begins the process of separating from his father. Now, with both the bonding with the mother and the bonding with his father under his belt, the boy is prepared to meet the male mentor or mentors that will help him grow from boyhood to manhood. He will learn how to be a man from other men in his life, and he will not be dependent upon women to teach him how to be a man.<\/p>\n

Ronald Levant, a past-president of the American Psychological Association (APA), proposed a different way of looking at the development of the male psyche.\u00a0 He views gender roles as constructed by the society in which we live, as opposed to the biological imperative discussed above.\u00a0 Levant (2012) cites evidence that boys as infants have been found to be more \u201cemotional\u201d than girls, which flies in the face of many years of our believing that women are more emotional than men.\u00a0 Could it be that, as a society, we have somehow forced boys into stereotypes that contradict their very nature?\u00a0 Levant and his colleagues have proposed the Gender Role Identity Paradigm (GRIP) to emphasize the notion that individual differences are more important than had originally been thought in studying within-gender differences, and that the men who are more likely to have trouble are those who think that men should have sex-specific characteristics or traits, and that women should not.\u00a0 Again, the idea that men are simple, and women are complex.\u00a0 The Gender Role Strain model argues that males and females have more in common than does the \u201cboys will be boys\u201d type of thinking.\u00a0 It is society that creates what is termed the Masculinity Ideology.\u00a0 To quote Levant:<\/p>\n

“Masculinity Ideology is the internalization of cultural belief systems and attitudes toward masculinity and men\u2019s roles (operationally defined by gender role stereotypes and norms).\u00a0 Through social influence processes resulting in reinforcement, punishment, and observational learning, masculinity ideologies inform, encourage, and constrain boys (and men) to conform to the prevailing male role norms by adopting certain socially-sanctioned masculine behaviors and avoiding certain proscribed behaviors”.(p.21).<\/p>\n

Thus, boys who perceive themselves as not meeting these societally-imposed requirements of manhood experience what Levant and his colleagues refer to a Gender Role Strain, and they often become disenfranchised, depressed, or worse.\u00a0 This then accounts for the trends noted above and the fact that girls tend to be \u201cgetting ahead\u201d in a number of traditional male categories.<\/p>\n

How do we fix this?\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

First, we need to inculcate in boys a sense that their individuality is more important than their manliness.\u00a0 This will not be easy.\u00a0 Boys are continually bombarded with macho notions of what it means to be a man.\u00a0 Just as exposure to ultra- thin models has been blamed for the rise in eating disorders and low self-esteem among girls, awareness needs to be raised of the fact that the continuing presentation of the idea that boys are only as good as their macho image has had similar destructive effects on boys.\u00a0 We need to turn off our television sets and decrease our exposure to media that presents an endless succession of these images.<\/p>\n

More education in the way of combating bullying and providing boys who are bullied with more protections are needed.\u00a0 Consciousness has been raised a great deal about this area in the past few years, and we are beginning to see some inroads into more ways to prevent bullying.\u00a0 This should eventually lead to boys getting back on an equal footing with girls in both educational and occupational areas.<\/p>\n

We need to provide more opportunities for boys to communicate and spend time with other boys in a non-competitive environment.\u00a0 This is not to say that I am against sports, but it is to say that there need to be venues other than sports and school for boys to spend time with other boys.\u00a0 I have recently begun a Men\u2019s Group for Boys, in which the boys are introduced to the work of Robert Bly and other ways of thinking about their unique way of being in the world.\u00a0 Part of the group is focused on self-understanding, as well as an attempt to have the boys grasp the idea that their individuality trumps whatever macho rendition of their identity they think is necessary to succeed in the world or be accepted by their peers (or girls!).<\/p>\n

Boys need to work on more self-awareness.\u00a0 This includes talking about their activities during the day at school.\u00a0 If your son has a difficult time with this, help him out by giving him choices rather than just open-ended questions.\u00a0 For example, consider the questions, \u201cHow was your day?\u201d or \u201cWhat did you do at school?\u201d\u00a0 These usually generate the response of \u201cFine\u201d and \u201cNothing.\u201d\u00a0 Instead, ask them to fill in the blanks of several sentences, such as, I got mad today when ______________, ___________ made me glad this morning, or I look forward to _____________\u2019s class because _________________. Many of the parents of the boys with whom I work have reported that using those simple sentences gets the conversation started, and then spontaneity takes over, and they are no longer necessary.\u00a0 Since many boys have been taught not to discuss feelings or have\u00a0 difficulty talking about their feelings, tell them to use simple ones such as mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed, or hurt.\u00a0 In fact, if they cannot tell you how they feel, present that list and have them pick one.\u00a0 Then ask what they think caused or triggered that feeling.<\/p>\n

If your boy is in high school, college, or past those ages and still at home or having a hard time finding a job, then a few of the concepts from the Men\u2019s Group might be applicable for them.\u00a0 Have them go through Robert Bly\u2019s stages of development, and ask if they are able to soothe themselves well enough to have separated from their mother. Ask for specific examples of how they can take care of themselves, cook their own meals, clean up after themselves, and soothe themselves when they experience a hurt, loss, or failure.\u00a0 One of the explanations of bad male behavior, such as alcohol or drug addiction, is that the man has not made the break and separated from the mother, so he must use substances or cling to a girlfriend in an attempt to replace the mother\u2019s comforting.\u00a0 If he has father hunger, have him participate in what is called the \u201cbuilding two houses for the father\u201d exercise.\u00a0 Very simply, have him make a list of all the positives he can think of about his father on one side of the page, and all the negatives that he can think of about his father on the other side of the page.\u00a0 Boys tend to see their father as all good or all bad.\u00a0 Men tend to see their father as a human being with both positive and negative traits.\u00a0 To the extent that the boy can list more items on both sides of the page, they are probably ready to meet male mentors and move along in life.<\/p>\n

top 10 internet security software<\/a><\/div>\n

A lot of help is available on the internet these days.\u00a0 Googling \u201cmen\u2019s issues\u201d and \u201cmasculine psychology\u201d generates hundreds of hits.\u00a0 Promoting more individuation among men and women can also help us all to develop in ways in which we feel that we are, indeed, being true to our selves.\u00a0 There are also a number of faith-based interventions and organizations that are helpful for boys to see that there are many ways to be a man, and that one of those ways will be the right way for him.\u00a0 Good luck in your search! \"\"<\/p>\n

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If men are simple and easily understood, then boys, who are arguably younger and smaller, should be even simpler and easier to understand.\u00a0 However, numerous […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":35352,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[24,19],"tags":[258],"class_list":["post-21797","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-parenting","tag-raising-boys"],"yoast_head":"\nMaking Boys Better Men<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Child Psychologist and father, Dr George Tucker provides a comprehensive discussion on key issues related to raising boys. 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